Romeo's Solution
by Lady Drama
Summary: "Now, this is really not what it looks like, James." "Really?" "Really. We were not kissing. And Scorpius did not just squeak." "Did you happen to lose something in his mouth? Must have been valuable, considering how hard he was helping you look for it."


_Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter series. No profit being made here, people. Written purely for my own enjoyment._

* * *

><p>"Um... Rose? Do you see what I see?"<p>

"For Merlin's sake Scorpius, our tongues are entwined not our eyeballs. Of course I don't see what you see."

"I think _he_ sees what I see."

"_Who_?"

"Your cousin James."

"My cousin does _not_ see my tonsils on a regular basis."

"Hesgonnakillme!"

"Agrippa's ailing ants, can't you speak clearly? What are you trying to say?"

"... !"

"I think he's trying to say that trying out the Octopus position in the middle of the Charms corridor was a very bad idea since your extremely observant cousin has now spotted you fraternising with the enemy, Rosie."

"Oh, hello James!"

"...Squeak?"

"Now, this is really not what it looks like."

"_Really?_"

"_Really_. We were _not_ kissing. And Scorpius did _not_ just squeak."

"Did you happen to lose something in his mouth? Must have been valuable, considering how _hard_ he was helping you look for it."

"Don't be so presumptuous James. We were not snogging and this was not a Retrieval Mission either."

"Then what were you doing?"

"Running! _Faster, Scorp!_"

"YOUR DAD IS GOING TO HEAR ABOUT THIS!"

* * *

><p>Foul Ferret,<p>

I still have Professor Moody's eyeballs lying around in my attic. And his wand. And his Transfiguration abilities. Tell your son to maintain _constant vigilance!_

Sincerely,

Ron Weasley

* * *

><p>Wuss Weasel<p>

Pity you need someone else's balls to make so much as a threat.

Sincerely,

Draco Malfoy

* * *

><p>Dear Hermione,<p>

Should we tell them we knew?

Love,

Astoria

PS: Dobby the Second loved your hand knitted hat! He sends his thanks and some blueberry muffins.

* * *

><p>Dear Astoria,<p>

Not yet.

Love,

Hermione

PS: It was a jumper!

PPS: The muffins were delicious!

* * *

><p>The Last Will and Testament of Scorpius Hypernion Malfoy<p>

I, Scorpius Hypernion Malfoy, on the 29th of April, being of sound mind, unsound body and extremely unsound middle name (What were you _thinking, _Dad?), do hereby leave my earthy possessions distributed as follows:

To Rose Weasley, I leave my love and the more interesting bits of my anatomy which your cousins will certainly chop off. I hope you have more fun with them than I did, although this will be a difficult task.

To Albus Potter, the most traitorous of friends, I leave a curse and my Complete Quick Quidditch Set. Make sure your brother never gets his grubby paws on it.

To Miss Longbottom, the most unexpected of champions, I leave my blessing and all the jewellery my Mum ever gave me. (Sorry, I still can't remember your first name. But I'm sure your middle name must be Patience. You are dating Rose's dear cousin James, after all.)

To my Mum, I leave my apology for not being born female and all the gowns she ever tried to give. For the sake of Merlin's own balls, return them Mum. I'm not going to grow the female parts necessary for those bodices anytime soon.

To my Dad, I leave...

_Scorp! What are you doing? Your chicken's turning into a dandelion!_

I'm making my Will.

_In Transfiguration? James won't kill you till Potions. Play Hangman with me, I'm bored._

I'm busy.

_There's a broom cupboard on the way to the Potions classroom._

H_u_ngman is my new favourite game.

_Just remember, drawing unnecessary extra body parts is against the rules._

Funny, I thought you found those parts very necessary last Saturday night.

_Just give me a word already!_

I could give you something else...

_In the middle of Transfiguration? Not unless you want to lose your 'extra __**necessary**__ body parts' to McGonagall._

Your sense of humour scares me. Fine, here's your word: B O O _ S

_Scorpius!_

What?

_I'm not playing. That's just dirty._

BOOKS is a dirty word? I'm really starting to wonder what kind of literature you've been exposed to.

"Miss Weasley, ten points! Hitting another student on the head with a book is not considered acceptable behaviour in class. Mr Malfoy, you may go to the Hospital Wing."

* * *

><p>"YAAAGH!"<p>

"Mr Malfoy! Calm yourself immediately!"

"_Please _don't sneak up on me like that, Madam Pomfrey. It makes me feel like Caesar when he was just about to get stabbed."

"Don't be ridiculous, Mr Malfoy. I merely wanted to inform you that an owl is tapping on the window with what appears to be a parcel for you."

"Does it look like an explosive?"

"It's wrapped in brown paper, Mr Malfoy. It looks like a parcel to me."

"It's an explosive, isn't it?"

"I am seriously considering injecting a Calming Draught directly into your bloodstream, Mr Malfoy."

"You're in this aren't you? You're a part of the conspiracy."

"..."

"Ha, I knew it!"

"Did somebody hit you with a Paranoia Pulse, Mr Malfoy?"

"You're a part of it! I knew it!"

* * *

><p>Dear Scorry,<p>

I'm so disappointed in you.

Your mother

* * *

><p>Dear Mum,<p>

Stop calling me Scorry! I'm not a girl or a lisping five year old anymore!

And about the thing with Rose, I'm sorry you're disappointed but I'm not sorry about anything else.

**SCORPIUS**

* * *

><p>Dear Scorry,<p>

You really are growing more and more like your father everyday. You're both so touchy!

And I have no objection whatsoever to Rose Weasley. I was just disappointed that you didn't write home even once this term. But thanks for confirming that you two do have a relationship. Hermione did say that her son Hugo told her that his cousin Lily had overheard her cousin Roxanne telling her cousin Lucy about Rose and you but we weren't absolutely sure. And you know how much I abhor gossip.

Mum

PS: Did you like the strawberry muffins I sent? Dobby the Second seems to be on a muffin rampage these days and I just can't eat them all.

* * *

><p>"Hey Rose."<p>

"Scorp! You're finally out of the Hospital Wing! I was starting to think you were hiding in there or something."

"I was."

"Did you hear about that Howler somebody got yesterday? It was bloody hilarious! Whoever it was must have run out of the Great Hall before it exploded but it was so loud everyone heard it anyway."

"Everyone heard that?"

"It was so funny! Poor girl must have a really strict father for him to bawl her boyfriend out like that..."

"Um... Rose?"

"What?"

"That was _your_ father."

"..."

"Um... Rose? You still there?"

"OH MY MERLIN, you're dead! Dead, Scorp! As in deceased, departed, lifeless..."

"Thanks for the synonyms. They're making me feel much better. By the way, I forgot to send your Dad my thanks for the undiluted Bubotor pus. Tell him I'm incredibly grateful."

"So what kind of funeral would you prefer?"

"Your confidence in me is overwhelming."

"And how many parts of Lord Voldemort's soul did you destroy, Scorp?"

"I'm dead."

"Now, on a scale of one to ten, just rate the following flowers: daisies, roses, sunflowers..."

* * *

><p>"Did you know that in the year 1910, Meander Moore, the merman who walked on land, was run over at King's Cross Station?"<p>

"How is any of this relevant, Scorp?"

"Apparently, the filly he was trying to date had a big fish for a father. He had the whole school run over him. Make you think of something, Rose?"

"You look a bit green around the gills."

"Maybe because we're approaching King's Cross and a certified axe murderer?"

"First, my Dad is not a _certified _murderer. Secondly, he used a sword, not an axe."

"That made me feel so much better. Thank you."

"You're welcome."

"Why am I flapping around like a goldfish while you're sitting and reading the _Quibbler_?"

"Your fish analogies are really starting to stink, Scorp."

"_Rose_."

"Both your father and mine are fairly old-fashioned. They'll always blame the boy – you."

"I knew my mother would find a way of making me regret my masculinity."

"Did you just mumble something under your breath?"

"Nope. Just some deep breathing Pomfrey taught me. It's actually pretty relaxing it goes whoosh in... whoosh out... whoosh in... whoosh out.

"Now you really look like a fish."

"In, out, in, out, inoutinoutinoutinout... Merlin's soggy underpants, we're here, Rose!"

"If you keep that pitch up, I think my father might just mistake you for a girl and let you go."

"Really?"

"No."

* * *

><p>Dear Mr Weasley,<p>

Firstly, I would like to clarify that I was merely in a hurry that day at Platform Nine and Three Quarters. Your cry of 'Cowardly ferreting spawn!' was both undeserved and inappropriate.

Secondly, I would like to inform you that I now have your wife's support. Rose's mum is almost as amazing as she is and is currently having a tea party with my mother and Dobby the Second's magic mushroom muffins.

Thirdly, I regret to inform you that if you ever attempt to hex me again (such as on the aforementioned day at King's Cross station) or permit/charge any of your numerous relatives to do so, I shall be forced to take the ultimate step, one which will hurt you a lot more than it will hurt me – I will tell Mrs Weasley. Unless you want your atrocious behaviour reported to her, you will:

a) Accept that your daughter and I are in a relationship that will not be terminated any time soon.

b) Call off your rabid family.

c) Present me with a bar of Honeydukes chocolate.

Sincerely,

Scorpius Malfoy

* * *

><p><strong>Author's Notes:<strong> _My first ever attempt at a dialogue fic! Did you like it? Did you hate it? Tell me by reviewing!_


End file.
